Painted Blanks

I'm listening to music without words,
I wish there was a way to show my favorite part.
It's maddening to me... this wait.
I don't know what I'm waiting for,
I'm waiting for you.
Listening to music without words because you sing to me,
My eyes are open to what my ears have been missing
and when you sing I melt,
and when I melt I sit and wait just to find a way to breathe.
To breathe again knowing my heart is broken in a beautiful kind of mess.
So when you sing I break.
I break together into whole.

If you would break I would hold you together inside of my arms.
Because that's all I would know to do.
I would give up anything in my entire existence to guarantee...
even if it wasn't me...
That you would be happy, and secure and respected.
I do believe in love at first sight,
I do believe in unconditional, unstoppable, earth shattering love....
I don't know why I'm waiting,
I don't know why we're ever apart,
but I do know what it is like to love....

You're the place that feels right.

I feel perfectly fine...
But I miss screamin and fightin and kissin in the rain.
And it's two am and I'm cursing your name.
So in love that you act insane.
And that's the way I loved you.
Breaking down and comin undone,
it's a roller coaster kind of rush and I...
Never knew I could feel that much.

And that's the way I loved you.

Some kids just shot off legit fireworks at the school playground.
Those are the only ones I saw this year....
I lied...
The world gave me fireworks.
I was standing in battlefield older than I am,
with wooden fences I bet were remade since 1863.
And I was scared to fucking death to imagine anything, or look deeper,
I was scared that I would close my eyes and wake up in the civil war.
I know that sounds stupid, but stranger things have happened to me.
Back to the fireworks....
There were more lightening bugs in that field then I've ever seen in one place.
Natural, organic, fireworks.
I appreciate things differently than these industrial machines.


I wish I could write like I used to.
I wish I had that energy again.

Maybe my grandpa is right.
Maybe just knowing I've done better without my fathers help is enough.
Or maybe, I'm still trying to prove something.

This kind of sucks.
I'm trying to stay positive, but it's the most unfair situation ever.
I did my time alone like this and it's not okay.
And then I was free in Rochester, seeing people and having plans.
And now I feel like I'm in a glass jar and everyone else has home with friends to go back to.
I can not do this, but I don't know what not doing this entitles.

I keep writing livejournals in my head when there is no way to remember them.
I saw horses flirting today.
A light brown male and a white female...
I didn't know they were there really,
I was walking down the tracks toward the river and the bridge.
I've been smushing pennies with trains.... that's illegal.
But it's an excuse to leave my house,
To leave my sister being a bitch to my mother who then makes everything miserable.
And I'm usually the one to get a stomach ache over it.
The stresses of empathy.
Anyways... these horses were great.
The brown one scared me,
Like I said I didn't know they were there and then it started making angry noises.
Which were flirting noises as I discovered when I looked his way.
He was jumping and circling the female and making those noises.
And she was just eating the grass like he wasn't there...
How familiar the game of hard to get is to me.

I'm determined not to have a bad night.
I know what it feels like to suffocate in my own thoughts.
To need someone to make everything better,
but I can't be that person here, and shouldn't be ever.
I need to stay positive and busy.

I just "tucked you in"
aka, I just snuck out onto the stairs so I could tell you good-night without waking up mom.
being here makes me think of those times.

I haven't posted in a long time.
But I'm home now... the one where my mommy is,
The one with no one here that I know.
So I guess it's time for some self improvement...
There is a lot of room for that lately.
I miss you already, but I'm trying not to have it be that kind of missing.

I have to go to the dentist.
And I have to start going to therapy....
Yeah, me, start seeing a psychiatrist.
I just think that this transition is a lot bigger to handle than I thought.
I've heard that with transsexuals once they start transitioning suicide rates go up.
Could never understand.... But now I do.
I thought my brain and body were mismatched before?
Now I have a completely different brain,
with different wants, different triggers to different emotions.
Along with different hormones.
Inside of the still wrong body.
I want sex, ALL THE TIME.... with a penis I don't have.
Just to throw out an example that is.
There is more then sex.

I want a job.
I have the auction house
but I want something that wastes my time and gives me money.
I want to be started with this fucking production company already.
I'm making friends and I'm networking and it isn't getting me anywhere.
Because I have nothing to offer accept my ideas and my paint.
Unlike a photographer.
I need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing, or move on.
I can't let this dream down.
But I feel like 40three productions is under you,
and to ask you to be part of it now is just me trying to make something work that won't.
I have nothing to offer, and that is why I need to really think about these two months.
and where everything in my life goes from here.

What happened yesterday...
Was my overwhelming lack of faith in anything.
I've been hurt too much.
I've been let down,
I've been forgotten about when I was counting on them.
I've been cheated on and had things kept behind my back.
I've been infected and ruined.
I've been manipulated by lies tears and guilt.
and I've grown tired of thinking things might be different every time.
I expect all of the above now,
and I won't keep my hopes up once things start sounding familiar.
I'll shut off, shut down, go numb.

I need to do my fafsa.
I need to look up whether I can sell nun-chucks online.
Paramore June 11th.
Philly pride June 14th.
NYC pride June 28th.
Warped July 17th

This is heartbreaking.
The biggest road trip of the year,
and I got left behind because it would be awkward.
Thanks guys. Spring break is awesome.
I might go see Gabby tomorrow night.
Or go to that strip club.... by myself?
I'll find something great.

This is probably a bad idea.
I have my best friend on my lap, giving me kisses and shedding fur in my face, yuck.
He's the greatest... Unconditional love is the greatest.
... Or the worst.
I still love Amanda, I still love Sasha, whether it ended good or bad,
whether i made the mistakes or she did, no matter who they're with now.
I will love them because they were in my heart so deep.
And I would probably drop everything and come to their rescue if they needed it.
It's just who I am.

The word drama really doesn't suit me,
so I'll switch it up to chaos.
Catastrophes.
I'm not good with words,
I'm easily overwhelmed.
So when we talk and when we fight, I'll probably always back down.
Because I'm confused, and my point is not being made, so I'm frustrated because...
I know I'm about to back down, and nothing will change.
It's internal.
it's conditioned into me.
Because I was ruined, and "kicked as a puppy" and no amount of time has seemed to heal this.
I have problems that lie deep and they aren't something I'll talk about.
Fears of disappointing you, that look of hurt in your eyes is enough to make me back down.
I am ruined, I'm just shiny on the surface.
So stop thinking I'm anything because I'm not.
I am nothing
until i can fix this.

I'm feeling particularly defeated today,
How emo.
Why can't everything just BE, without the politics.

My body is starting to change...
People that have known me for some time are noticing.
Other things are changing too.
I'm warmer, and my skin is heated to the touch...
I can lift and carry a lot more before i complain haha.
I basically want to fight someone or fuck someone
at all times of the day so the stereotypes are true...
Short term memory lose, slightly...
I let my arm pit hair grown haha, still getting used to that...
My voice is weird, because sometime it's okay and sometimes i can tell it's lower

I'm in between shot 4 and 5 now...

Why did I even make corn when I knew all I wanted was steak and milk?
Because I've been conditioned to believe in the balanced breakfast lunch and dinner.

Dinner... Diner... Dinner is a lot less fun than a Diner,
Though the same rule does not apply as to Dessert and Desert...
More consonants does not always mean going back for seconds.
This is how my mind runs.

I suppose you only get one dinner at a diner... unless you are prepared to pay for two.

Their shit is there... in my way right there and they're not doing anything about it.
See, that was not so difficult....
I would like two to take with me too.....
I can not, I just can't, because more consonants doesn't, just does not, mean anything.
But I know now, now I know, that the people in my classes that are now in college do not
know the difference between know and now,
two, to and too,
their there and they're,
Dessert, Desert, Diner and Dinner.
Where a comma goes...
And fuck if they know what a conjunction is.

I'm being attacked by words,
Typograhy
English
Public Speaking
is there any other form of words I'm not involved with?
So far...
Helvetica can blow me,
If I wanted more metaphors I'd still be dating Amanda,
And there is a reason death is second to public speaking on America's fears.

I'm kind of mad at you, and myself for bothering.
But it doesn't matter. Honestly.

It's nice to find things out through facebook because words can no longer be shared.

So, I finished the third Twilight.... I guess that title is wrong.... I finished Eclipse.
Ironic title I guess, Twilight... New Moon... Eclipse....

For two and a half books I had an inferiority complex with Edward Cullen....
So perfect, immortal, a gentleman, features of a god - says Stephanie Meyer...
And then I got into the middle of Eclipse and I realized I was Edward Cullen in more ways than I knew.
No matter how amazing he was written...
breathtaking and perfect, thinking of everything, head over heals in love and loyal...
He still had to face what I've had to face,
The possibility that the person he loved would choose another,
The pain of having everything you hold dear, resting in one person, whose heart was torn between two.
To have to know that no matter what you were or did, didn't change anything....
With or without a physical act, with or without the word cheating,
the thought crossed her mind to leave you, or hurt you...
I don't know if there is any recovery from being cheated on.
If things will ever stop running through my mind,
If I'll ever not see something and remember,
Or wonder what it would be like if I didn't find out,
Or what it would be like if I'd left.
Or be with someone and not just expect it at some point.

You know what's even worse,
is knowing that it's more common than I thought,
and that couples I never would have suspected
have stayed together after one of them cheated.

I think I hold relationships differently because of my grandfather,
He's never been with another woman besides my Grandmother,
They met, got married 2 months later and have been together faithfully for 43 years....
That kind of thing no longer happens.

I think there is a part of me,
I think I'll always be split,
Half of me grew up,
and half of me is 4,
Half of me is scared, and awkward, and embarrassing,
and Half of me has a strong view of how things should be.

I'm beginning to think that it's that other half that ruins everything.
That sets a standard for someone else to follow,
to be absurd... the other disagrees, and causes a conflict of interest...
There should be a happy medium.
At least I know it's me that ruins everything.

I guess it feels like my feet are stuck to the ground,
in my irresponsibility, in my pretend...
With my arms up reaching for the things I need to do,
To become someone who can run an art empire....


I need to grow up,
But you need to follow.

 I'm in class.... Typography...
I finished this shit.... I am legend...
Or I just have funny eyes...
Blue eyes... one has a spot on it...
An Orange spot....
So I guess they are funny.
I see things on a grid with rules and layers...
Like a robot.

A flesh robot.

I can't be naked... with anyone, not even in a shower.
And my underwear and towels are biohazard.


It only takes once.

I don't really know what to say....
I know everyone is waiting for this big update on how the T is going...

Nothing is really different, except that I'm happy.
And I can lift insane amounts more.
I did a couple of curls with my free weights, and I could see the difference in my muscles.
They are begging to be worked.
The shot didn't hurt, but afterwards it got a little sore.
And then the day after I couldn't move my leg,
note to self: rub the area you inject into.
Apparently the T chills out in your muscles around the injection site,
and hurts like a fucking bitch, I don't even know where I'm going to put it next time.

I'm curious to know though,
what happens once I pass every time...
my life seems to have been trying to find this,
trying to pass under the radar... I'm unaware of how to life in this skin.

I would like to believe that life is not a series of cycles, but a scattered scene of systems.
You think you're a doormat?
You have no idea how many feet I've been under.
Dominate personalities, it stops.

                                                                now.
                                                                you can't understand.


Psychologically trust is when you take a risk
A risk that entitles more pain than pleasure if broken.
Yet you take the risk in good faith that the other won't hurt you.
But now in my jaded head, instead of "if" I say "when"
And today is the only day that I'll ever see.
Today is the only day that matters.
Yesterday was a waste and tomorrow can't save you,
So I'll give you this moment because it's all that I own.